In the 4th century BC, Aristotle said "Statistics are like a ventriloquist's dummy. Shove your hand far enough up them and you can make them say whatever you want." In this seminar I'll show how palaeomagnetic statistics link Elizabeth I of England, Edmond Halley, ANU's role in the plate tectonic revolution, pizza margarita and Dolly Parton. Finally, I'll discuss the future of palaeomagnetic inference and why we shouldn't be scared of inconclusive results.